Wednesday, 4 September 2019

You're the sun, I'm the moon.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m really happy. I’m so smitten with you, smiling at you when you don’t realise. I could live the rest of my life like this forever, happily. You make me happy. You protect me, you care for me, you understand me. And yet I dread the future. With every good thing comes something bad and I can’t shake that feeling off. Nothing lasts forever and I’m scared about what that means for us. You reassure me that everything will be fine, that you’ll stick by my side, but it’s that underlying dread that keeps creeping back up. It’s like a dragon rearing its head from a deep sleep, wanting to make itself know. Needing to be seen. I don’t want to see it through. I want to live in this blissful happiness forever, oblivious to the dark that creeps around us. Oblivious to anything but the sun.
You’re my sun. 
But even the sun sets at the end of the day and the moon comes out. I feel like I’m the moon, and no matter how hard I try to stay with the sun, we always part in the end.I’m so insecure and I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel, how you have to hear my doubts, which then probably put doubts into your head that were not already there. I’m insecure about everything. My body, my mind, my future, our future. I never feel like I’m good enough for you because you’re a 10 and I’m a 2. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever know, and you have the heart of an angel, whereas I’m the devil, my heart and soul are black. Can we last like this? They say opposites attract but how can an angel love a devil?I know we’re okay, I know we are, but that dragon keeps popping up telling me that something is going to go wrong. Can I just live waiting for it to happen? Is there a way to stop it before it starts?My mind is like a maze, the further I try to understand my own thoughts the further into the darkness I go. The more I’m lost, can’t find my way back out again. The darkness surrounds me and I’m suffocating. There’s nothing left to do but to curl up in a corner and cry. No one can hear the tears falling down my cheeks but they fall endlessly.
Then you find me. 
You’ve broken walls down to get through the maze. Your aura is bright and warm and you light up that maze, like a sunrise. You find me, you hold me, you tell me everything is okay. And I believe you. You found me and you didn’t give up on me once. Even when I ran away further into that maze, you followed me. At my absolute lowest point ever, when I was stuck in a ditch inside that maze and I couldn’t see a way out, you found the rope to pull me out. You showed me what the sun looks like again. You played the music to scare away the demons, you lit the fire so that the darkness couldn’t take over again.And that fire burnt so bright into the night. But with fire comes smoke and shadows. The demons were still there on the edge of the light, waiting for the fire to dim to embers so that they could creep back in and take over the maze.The fire goes out whenever you leave. Like a candle blowing out in the wind. And that’s when I can’t stop the demons from attaching themselves to every wall in that maze. Weaving into every nook and cranny until the walls are barely there anymore.
They’re all demons.
All bad thoughts and judgements. Telling me that I’m better off in the dark. The darkness feels comfortable because it’s all I’ve ever know and I want so badly to stay in that comfortable area. To stay in the dark and hide away. But you come back. You always do. Lighting up the maze again like fireworks on November 5th. Holding me tight until your sun starts to warm up my black heart.And I feel like everything is going to be okay again. But then that bloody dragon rears its ugly head reminding me that the sun always sets and darkness always takes over eventually.It’s a vicious circle in my mind. So many demons are hidden in that maze and I don’t have enough strength to fight them all on my own.
It’s exhausting.
I’m tired, and one day you’ll be tired too. Are we fighting a losing battle or can the demons be defeated?I’m scared I’ll give up and you won’t be there this time. I’m scared you’ll give up on me and I’ll be left to fight the demons on my own. I know I’d fail on my own.Maybe I’m being selfish.Maybe I’m trapping you. Maybe it’s all me and you want to be free from the darkness but you feel like you can’t. Don’t feel like you have to stay in order to save me. Maybe I can’t be saved. You deserve a 10. You deserve someone who is all light and warmth. You deserve so much.
But I like this blissful happiness we live in.

and I love you. 


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you must go on adventures to find out where you truly belong