Friday, 6 September 2019

Self Confidence Behind Door 13?

For as long as I can remember, I haven't been happy with the way I look. When I was younger I hated wearing 'girly' dresses and prefered my brothers hand me downs instead. I was never really into discussing boys or swapping make up tips because that required people noticing me and I wasn't really into that. I'd happily be the friend that walked behind everyone else and blended into the background. 
As I started high school, and subsequently puberty, I began to become more aware that I wasn't like the other girls. They'd wear the latest fast fashion, knew how to apply makeup properly or do their hair right, and I just couldn't get to grips with it all. 
I've always been petite, but my biggest dress size was when I was in high school. And I noticed it too. I'd be a bigger dress size than my mum or my sister and it would constantly get me down. I'd get told I was 'the bigger one' of the three of us. The media at the time would promote Victoria Beckhams size 0 waist and tell us that that was what we were meant to look like. It really affected my self-esteem and confidence. Something that got drilled into me when I was so young carried forward well past my high school years and I could never shake off the fact that I didn't like my body because it wasn't perfect.
Even now in my twenties, when I feel good in an outfit, I'll walk past my reflection and automatically cover my stomach. It's like this ugly monster on my shoulder telling me I'm fat, or that I look hideous in what I'm wearing. And I just can't shake it. That stupid monster has a very firm grip on me and no matter how many compliments I get, they just bounce off that monster. 
I've never been bad with people relationship-wise. I've always managed to get someone to fancy me if I really wanted (NOT to sound big-headed). I think it's because I was seen as 'one of the guys' for so long that I could have a natural banter with people and find a connection there. And sometimes I'd use this to my advantage to gain some sort of validation thinking it would make that monster shrink or go away. But it never did. And sometimes I wish I'd saved myself a little bit more than I have done, as it was all for nothing, but at the same time, I'm glad I went for them because for the short while, that monster was quiet and I didn't completely hate my body. 
I don't think I'll ever truly like my body. I'll always find something to pick at. Like these pictures, they remind me of the six-pack I once had and how I badly want it back. I look at these pictures and wish my stomach was more toned even though on the day these were taken I was loving this look and had a really great day out.
Does anyone actually 100% like their body? or are we just destined to be conditioned by the media?

Top: Primark
Jeans: Topshop Joni
Earrings: River Island
Boots: New Look
Bag: Michael Kors 


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you must go on adventures to find out where you truly belong